Surviving Your Partner

Suffering sexual loss

NEEDING SEX

Feeling desperate

Sex may not be your first priority when trying to adjust to life without your partner but it can be enormously important. The notion of a life's partner assumes a physical relationship and when your partner dies your own sexuality doesn't die with him or her. Even people with low sex drives speak about experiencing an almost overwhelming and quite inappropriate rush of sexual desire in the first chaos of grief.

This may be because

1. in a stable partnership sex is associated with security and that has been wrenched away;
2. there is a heightened awareness of what has been lost, never to be found again;
3. there is a feeling of panic about the possibility of never having sex again.

Others feel the return of sexual appetites only slowly, as their grieving proceeds, but eventually they still have to face up to the sense of insecurity brought on by the loss of physical love.

Feeling wanted

For many people, feeling that they are sexually attractive is part of their sense of self-worth and when the person who admired them and wanted them the most is suddenly taken away it can be a devastating blow to their self esteem. People with healthy sex drives become used to being loved, being admired, being caressed and cuddled, enjoying the sexual act with someone whose body is as familiar to them as their own. To lose all this is a terrible deprivation and however much their minds and hearts tell them that sex is no longer important now that their loved one has gone, their bodies tell them differently.

This is just one more problem amongst all the others to be dealt with and it can't be dismissed as something that doesn't really matter. For someone already struggling in a pit of despair, a new sexual relationship is an essential part of finding themselves as a person again.

A SUMMARY OF 'SUFFERING SEXUAL LOSS'

1. Some bereaved partners feel a desperate sexual need.
2. Some take advantage of any offers of sex that come their way.
3. Some decide to remain celibate for the rest of their lives.
4. Everyone in this situation has to solve the sex problem in the way that suits them best.
5. It is not necessary to feel guilty after enjoying sex with new partner.

DISCUSSION POINTS OF 'SUFFERING SEXUAL LOSS'

The discussion points at the end of each chapter aim to help you to relate the subject matter to your own circumstances. Suggested ways of approaching the issues are given in a separate section at the end of the book.

1. How would you deal with overwhelming sexual feeling after the death of your partner?
2. How important would it be for you to feel sexually attractive again?
3. Would you feel guilty about having sex with someone else soon after your partner's death?

Please note: These are extracts taken from the book, 'Surviving Your Partner'. If you would like to buy the book please click here