Surviving Your Partner

Meeting Bereavement

Feeling the pain

The emotional agony caused by the death of someone you love is hard for anyone to imagine who has never experienced it. Sometimes preparation begins early in life through the death of a friend or relative and most people eventually have to face a parent dying. But none of this can be compared to the devastating loss of a life partner, the person who has shared your waking and sleeping moments, your pleasures and pains, for however long a time. When that happens the agony is multiplied.

Those who have been through the experience will identify with the immediate physical reactions of choking, pains in the head and chest, sometimes a complete blackout. The sensation has been described as "like being picked up and flung across a room, slammed against the wall". At first you are certain that you are going to die as well and you welcome the idea because you cannot possibly survive this awful thing that is happening. Then you realise that you won't die after all and you wish you could, because the thought of surviving alone is worse than dying.

But you do survive, almost against your will, and the next reaction is a numbness, sense of unreality. Into this sense of unreality there intrudes, from time to time, the realisation that the most significant person in your life is no longer there, that he or she has done the unthinkable, has set off on a one-way journey without you, and you have been left behind, alone. There is an enormous dark hole in your life. And on top of that you are expected to pick yourself up and get on with things.

A SUMMARY OF 'MEETING BEREAVEMENT'

1. Suffering the death of a partner rings the symptoms of physical as well as emotional shock.
2. Those symptoms can make you feel as though you, too, are about to die.
3. You may have to decide whether you want to see the body or not.
4. You may be expected to take responsibility for organising a funeral.
5. You will have to face up to talking to other people, who may not want to leave you alone.
6. If you have been an "unofficial" partner, you may find yourself excluded from the death and the funeral by your partner's immediate family.
7. You may feel relieved at the death of your partner and this in turn may make you feel guilty.

DISCUSSION POINTS OF 'MEETING BEREAVEMENT'

The discussion points at the end of each chapter aim to help you to relate the subject matter to your own circumstances. Suggested ways of approaching the issues are given in a separate section at the end of the book.

1. How can you cope with the stress and pain of losing your partner?
2. Could you face organising a funeral and attending to all the other necessary practical tasks that go with a death?
3. If you are an "unofficial" partner, how can you make sure of being included in the death and funeral arrangements?
4. How can you deal with people who are trying to be helpful but won't leave you alone?

Please note: These are extracts taken from the book, 'Surviving Your Partner'. If you would like to buy the book please click here